Butterfly Kisses From Beyond

 It doesn't seem to matter how much time passes since our loved one was taken from this physical realm.  There will be moments that hit you like a brick, and the emptiness fills your shredded heart. Sometimes I catch a glance at my son's photo, and I yearn for his presence.  I know he comes to me in a spiritual way, to comfort me in the moment but I long for more.   The last days of his existence in this world plaque my mind, and I wish we had talked longer, hugged, and made the most of our last moments together.  Unfortunately, they ways of the world overtook us, as we had to cut his birthday celebration short as the next work day was looming over the evening. I remember picking him up the next morning to drive him to work, and as our last minutes were fading, we were consumed with the time on the clock.  We were running late on the highway, and when I pulled into the community to drop him off, the cement truck was waiting for him. He grabbed his item...

 Many people have heard the phrase, "time heals all wounds"... In the case of grief, this is not necessarily correct.  Grief does transform as time passes; however, it never really truly ceases to exist. When you are first faced with the loss of a loved one, the pain is raw and emotional.  The feelings of helplessness and emptiness fill your entire being with dread.  Sometimes the emotions are so overwhelming, it's hard to imagine that the pain in your heart will ever stop aching. In my own journey of loss, I have watched my grief transform in many ways.  As I write this, I can't even fathom that I have existed on this planet without my son in physical presence for almost seven years.  In the early days of his passing, my heart was shattered and at that time, beyond repair.  It brought me into a tail-spin of crushing trauma to realize that I had to go on living, when I thought he could not. Over the course of my heart-wrenching journey, I've realized t...

  Tonight I tried to connect with Logan, as I’ve been feeling a little down lately during this isolated lock down away from all my family. I sat down at the desk in my office and I looked into my son’s eyes via the photo that sits beside my computer.   As usual, when I call him, he comes, as his thoughts penetrate mine. I told my son how much I missed him and in response, he said, “Mom, close your eyes.” Almost immediately, I began to see textures and faint colours within the darkness of my mind’s eye, and I scanned the scene to try to make out what I was seeing.   Shapes began to form, and I could see that I was travelling down a long pathway that was cutting through the tree line.   It swept and swerved, back and forth for a long time, and at one point, I almost lost my concentration which would have broken the connection.   I heard my son’s voice say, “Just keep going, Mom” within my mind’s thoughts, so I regained my focus and the path continued. I ...

 Our hearts are split into two, as we maneuver through one world, begging for the next. Our lives are intertwined through the fabric of time and space... and the universe beckons us forward. When you are thrust into a sea of grief, you aren't sure how to gain the footing you require to stand upon this Earth.  Your heart sees everything around you that has woven itself into your current life here... but there still remains a gnawing wonder of what it is like on the other side of death. Your loved one has transitioned into the "unknown" and you long for their presence, even when you are standing in the midst of your family and friends.  You are surrounded by those you care about, and your thoughts float off into the dark crevasses of the mind to explore where you also want to be. Over the years, I have discovered that this twinge of pain will forever be present in my life here.  I have one child on the other side, while the other is basking in all that life has to offe...

 The road is rocky when it comes to losing a child. The path takes you to highs and lows, and you experience the wonderment  and detriment of life in the same breath. Over the last five years, I have learned lessons that I never would have experienced had I not been thrust into the label of a bereaved parent. I can honestly say that I likely would not have pondered the meaning of life and death so internally, if I had lived a life of certainty and basked within the traditional milestones. This is definitely not a journey I would ever want to repeat, but I am trying to understand what life is showing me... teaching me even. When you have something ripped out of your life in such an inhumane way, it startles your entire existence, and you are left standing there holding the bandage, as your wound bleeds all over the ground below you. You aren't sure what you are possibly going to do to survive the pain that is rushing towards you like a speeding freight train.  You simply s...

 When our loved ones are no longer here for special occasions, it can be a very  emotional time for those left behind. Finding a little solitude among the devastation in your heart, can gravitate you towards healing actions. Yesterday, I survived the 5th birthday without my son.  He should have turned 23 on September 21st, but instead, it was a reminder that he had been gone for five years.    As that day has come and went, I have taken the time to reflect on how I survived yet another milestone.  To be honest, I actually find the days and weeks leading up to a special occasion are more emotional for me, than the actual day.  It's like my brain begins to anticipate the upcoming date in anguish, or taunting thoughts about all that I don't have in my life.  Sometimes, it is difficult to push those negative ideas aside long enough to not be affected by their dire consequences of having a bit of a cry session. When the emotions get the best of me, I d...

 For those who are suffering from the loss of a loved one, it appears on the surface that they are no longer with us. The physical connection is an overpowering obstacle to bear when someone we love transitions from this world into the next realm. It takes a willingness to learn about death from different perspectives, and a journey not many people want to take.  When faced with the loss of someone we love, we have never chosen a destiny filled with pain and sadness; however, our lives are submersed within this context by force. Our love lingers in our hearts, without a path to follow in the beginning of grief.  Only through understanding and research, can we discover what intricate details lie within the fabric of our existence.  We assure ourselves that we are not going crazy at exploring this side of our world, as our thoughts can be riddled with curiosity and wonder. Through reading and studying, it is possible to give notion to something more beyond this world....

 After the death of a child, the world views you in a different light. The sorrow that surrounds the looks from other parents don't go unnoticed.  After joining the bereaved parents' club against my will, I noticed that people began to look at me differently.  It was like you could feel their sympathy at every encounter for the pain they knew I was enduring. I believe Emily Graham explained this best when she wrote the following: All eyes on me… wondering how I could possibly go on when they knew there was no way they could.  Time slowly passes. I’m known as the mom whose kid died.  There’s an awkwardness in our interactions – like you’re afraid it’s something you can catch.  I assure you it’s not. You’re not sure what to say. It seems the most comfortable thing to do is pretend nothing happened.  Yet, that doesn’t really work either.  I still feel all eyes on me.  When will she go back to normal? They say you should never let your loss defin...

He may look strong on the outside, but he too has a broken heart. Sometimes, we neglect to realize in our society that Fathers hurt, just as much as Moms. When planning your Father's Day activities this coming weekend, don't forget to reach a caring hand to those Dads who have lost a child.  Sometimes, we forget that men hurt too, and they are usually suffering in silence, as they have been taught to hide their true feelings. When a child dies, people tend to swarm around the Mother, as they just can't imagine what it would be like to give birth to a baby, only to lose it somewhere down the line of life.  In the background, the man stands silently, as his heart is bleeding all over the floor, and no one turns around to notice.  They may get a pat on the shoulder, as condolences are whispered, but they too are sobbing uncontrollably, even though their cries for help are usually buried amid masculinity. Anyone facing the loss of a child knows how deep...

"How Many Children Do You Have?" This was the worst question I faced when I was a newly bereaved parent. A simple question from a fellow stranger, who was just trying to  make "small-talk" and they come out with a loaded question that hits us like a brick. During my early days of child loss, I dreaded this question, every time I met someone new.  It could have been a casual meeting of shooting the breeze with a stranger in a line of people, or walking into a new insurance office just to get a quote... It was always the same type of dribble that scared me the most.  My mind was plagued with worry, as I sat there hoping they wouldn't ask me, in fear that I would burst out crying in the middle of our first encounter. In the beginning, I struggled with this question, as I wasn't sure how to answer or the alternative of getting into a whole explanation of why I say 3 instead of 4... is that right, or do I acknowledge the 4th and give a litt...

Women everywhere are struggling to hold it together this upcoming weekend. Mothers who have lost children deserve a little extra care this Mother's Day. It is an ongoing emotional battle that strikes without notice when it comes to bereavement.  The simplest of holidays can jar an internal tsunami of pain that many people don't realize who have never lost a child. Growing up, celebrating Mother's Day was always such an honour, as it allowed us to shower our own Mothers in praise, and love for all that she does for us.  I am truly blessed to still have my Mom here on this planet, as many around me don't have the luxury of that bond.  My heart hurts for them, as they struggle with their own loss during a day that says so much of what their heart is bearing. This article only focuses on the Moms who have lost children, as I know this pain firsthand.   I still try to hold a special place for the celebration of Mother's Day, as I have m...

Emptiness is a part of grief that never truly heals. There will always be a void that forever stays open like a gaping wound. Losing a loved one is something that one never gets "over".  There are reminders everywhere that a physical presence is missing... a longing for their voice, laughter, or simply their company. There are many aspects of grief that can never be repaired, even when one completely believes in the afterlife and realizes that spirit lives on after death.  When left in the world of matter, we have to live with the fact that someone is missing from our lives.  It is a pain that will always leave a gnawing sentiment, even when we are surrounded by joy and happiness for present events that are happening in our realities. I've learned to survive the emotional turmoil, and the majority of time, I am confident and ambitious towards a bright future; however, even years later, the circumstances of my son's absence hits me like a woodpile toppl...

I recall every detail of my last days interacting with my son before he was suddenly taken from us. I can hear the words, see the expressions, feel the emotions, and picture the scenery of each moment. During the summer before my son passed, he had been working for my now son-in-law, in the concrete industry. They were pulling late hours and hectic schedules, so I was trying to visit my son as often as possible during the months prior to his accident. I remember waiting for him on his 18th birthday at my daughter's house, as the crew was working late again. Upon his arrival, we rushed over to my parent's house and finally had dinner around 8 p.m. He had been working so much, that I didn't want him to be too tired, as he had another busy job the next day, so I remember dropping him off at his Dad's house. It was already dark and I can picture him sitting in the passenger seat of my Mustang.  To this day, I wish our goodbye wasn't so rushed, as he basically gr...

Two years ago, I lost my eighteen year old son in a vehicle collision.  My world was completely devastated and over the past couple of years, I have delved into reading everything I could about the Afterlife.  Earlier this year, a couple of family members went to a medium and my son came through without fail.  A bunch of us have visited this lady in the past two years and she didn't know any of us were connected to each other and my son came through every single reading.  She definitely has a gift and I am convinced she is legit by all the things she could not have known otherwise. I was thinking about something she relayed to my sister during her reading this past spring.  She said that my son told her that it wasn't that he didn't like being in spirit world but he still really wished he was living here with us.  She said he was acclimating into spirit world just fine.  Today, I pondered what that statement truly meant.  It's like when yo...