Butterfly Kisses From Beyond

 It doesn't seem to matter how much time passes since our loved one was taken from this physical realm.  There will be moments that hit you like a brick, and the emptiness fills your shredded heart. Sometimes I catch a glance at my son's photo, and I yearn for his presence.  I know he comes to me in a spiritual way, to comfort me in the moment but I long for more.   The last days of his existence in this world plaque my mind, and I wish we had talked longer, hugged, and made the most of our last moments together.  Unfortunately, they ways of the world overtook us, as we had to cut his birthday celebration short as the next work day was looming over the evening. I remember picking him up the next morning to drive him to work, and as our last minutes were fading, we were consumed with the time on the clock.  We were running late on the highway, and when I pulled into the community to drop him off, the cement truck was waiting for him. He grabbed his item...

 Many people have heard the phrase, "time heals all wounds"... In the case of grief, this is not necessarily correct.  Grief does transform as time passes; however, it never really truly ceases to exist. When you are first faced with the loss of a loved one, the pain is raw and emotional.  The feelings of helplessness and emptiness fill your entire being with dread.  Sometimes the emotions are so overwhelming, it's hard to imagine that the pain in your heart will ever stop aching. In my own journey of loss, I have watched my grief transform in many ways.  As I write this, I can't even fathom that I have existed on this planet without my son in physical presence for almost seven years.  In the early days of his passing, my heart was shattered and at that time, beyond repair.  It brought me into a tail-spin of crushing trauma to realize that I had to go on living, when I thought he could not. Over the course of my heart-wrenching journey, I've realized t...

 Our hearts are split into two, as we maneuver through one world, begging for the next. Our lives are intertwined through the fabric of time and space... and the universe beckons us forward. When you are thrust into a sea of grief, you aren't sure how to gain the footing you require to stand upon this Earth.  Your heart sees everything around you that has woven itself into your current life here... but there still remains a gnawing wonder of what it is like on the other side of death. Your loved one has transitioned into the "unknown" and you long for their presence, even when you are standing in the midst of your family and friends.  You are surrounded by those you care about, and your thoughts float off into the dark crevasses of the mind to explore where you also want to be. Over the years, I have discovered that this twinge of pain will forever be present in my life here.  I have one child on the other side, while the other is basking in all that life has to offe...

 The road is rocky when it comes to losing a child. The path takes you to highs and lows, and you experience the wonderment  and detriment of life in the same breath. Over the last five years, I have learned lessons that I never would have experienced had I not been thrust into the label of a bereaved parent. I can honestly say that I likely would not have pondered the meaning of life and death so internally, if I had lived a life of certainty and basked within the traditional milestones. This is definitely not a journey I would ever want to repeat, but I am trying to understand what life is showing me... teaching me even. When you have something ripped out of your life in such an inhumane way, it startles your entire existence, and you are left standing there holding the bandage, as your wound bleeds all over the ground below you. You aren't sure what you are possibly going to do to survive the pain that is rushing towards you like a speeding freight train.  You simply s...

 When our loved ones are no longer here for special occasions, it can be a very  emotional time for those left behind. Finding a little solitude among the devastation in your heart, can gravitate you towards healing actions. Yesterday, I survived the 5th birthday without my son.  He should have turned 23 on September 21st, but instead, it was a reminder that he had been gone for five years.    As that day has come and went, I have taken the time to reflect on how I survived yet another milestone.  To be honest, I actually find the days and weeks leading up to a special occasion are more emotional for me, than the actual day.  It's like my brain begins to anticipate the upcoming date in anguish, or taunting thoughts about all that I don't have in my life.  Sometimes, it is difficult to push those negative ideas aside long enough to not be affected by their dire consequences of having a bit of a cry session. When the emotions get the best of me, I d...

Grief can bring us into an abyss of suffering... or it can take us towards lessons  we never thought we'd ever understand. Dealing with loss is different for every individual who experiences its grasp on your reality. I feel compelled to write this explanation of grief, as not everyone will view death in the same way, nor understand others' reasons for doing what they need to do, to work through their own healing. I have come to learn that everyone's experience of life is drastically different, and no two lives will bare the same circumstances, or ways to handle the outcomes. We are all on a path of learning, whether we acknowledge that fact or not.  Some people may make their way through life without ever pondering or reflecting on past situations that could have been altered by the way they responded, or simply by looking at the bigger picture of their own circumstances.  This fact is certainly a frustration for an outside observer, who may be thinking they have the pro...

 After the death of a child, the world views you in a different light. The sorrow that surrounds the looks from other parents don't go unnoticed.  After joining the bereaved parents' club against my will, I noticed that people began to look at me differently.  It was like you could feel their sympathy at every encounter for the pain they knew I was enduring. I believe Emily Graham explained this best when she wrote the following: All eyes on me… wondering how I could possibly go on when they knew there was no way they could.  Time slowly passes. I’m known as the mom whose kid died.  There’s an awkwardness in our interactions – like you’re afraid it’s something you can catch.  I assure you it’s not. You’re not sure what to say. It seems the most comfortable thing to do is pretend nothing happened.  Yet, that doesn’t really work either.  I still feel all eyes on me.  When will she go back to normal? They say you should never let your loss defin...

To some, it may not seem possible that one could live through  the loss of a child, and still experience joy...  I have been walking the struggle of grief since 2015, and in some moments I allow my thoughts to wallow in solitude of all that I have lost.  I let my stomach churn at the detriment of the future I must live, without the physical presence of my son... I wilt in desolation at the fading memories of times when my children were young, when the thought of death eluded me.  I had no clue what was in store, as I would have counted my minutes ever so slowly, had I known they would be short-lived with my son.  Eighteen years is a drop in the bucket of life, and every instance I spent with my son seems so obscure now, as the time forces its ugly prey against my mind.  He will forever be alive and content in my heart, even when age washes the details of our encounters ever so slightly as time erodes the miraculous moments we spent together. ...

Losing Loved Ones Is Difficult To Swallow Emotions run high when the ones we love leave this planet. As humans, we are not immune to the fact that many of our loved ones will pass away during our lifetime.  No matter how prepared we think we might be, we will not be ready for their departure from this world. Losing the people we care about is such a devastating time, that no words can express the pain that your heart feels.  The emptiness abounds, and cloudy thoughts are at the forefront of your mind. Even if your loved one was battling a long illness that was considered terminal, we can't fathom the life we must live after they are no longer here in the physical sense.  Even if you believe that the spirit lives on, it is very hard to cope with life when their presence has disappeared.  Many people around the world are blessed with signs from beyond, or experiences that they can't explain, but the majority of time, we are left with a certain vo...

The death of a loved one is heart-wrenching. It doesn't matter if it is your parent, spouse, child, sibling, relative, close friend, or even a pet; it ultimately affects you. All feelings of grief are worthy. If you have a deep bond with another soul, you will be bound with the suffering and emptiness of loss when they are no longer with us. Society has not prepared us for the devastation that occurs when someone we love dies.  We are often left on our own accord, to find ways of coping the emotional torment that is thrust upon our lives. We look to families, professionals, and friends to assist us in our journey of pain and many times, we are faced with closed doors and hearts, as we feel so misunderstood. I believe many people are not versed in how to handle another's grief, so some would rather ignore the fact that it exists entirely.  It leaves the vast majority of the population to suffer silently.  Sometimes we are blessed with those gifted individuals who ...

Emptiness is a part of grief that never truly heals. There will always be a void that forever stays open like a gaping wound. Losing a loved one is something that one never gets "over".  There are reminders everywhere that a physical presence is missing... a longing for their voice, laughter, or simply their company. There are many aspects of grief that can never be repaired, even when one completely believes in the afterlife and realizes that spirit lives on after death.  When left in the world of matter, we have to live with the fact that someone is missing from our lives.  It is a pain that will always leave a gnawing sentiment, even when we are surrounded by joy and happiness for present events that are happening in our realities. I've learned to survive the emotional turmoil, and the majority of time, I am confident and ambitious towards a bright future; however, even years later, the circumstances of my son's absence hits me like a woodpile toppl...

Families are being thrust into grief at alarming rates. The Coronavirus has no shame. The current Covid-19 pandemic that is happening all across the globe is destroying families within a matter of weeks.  We are witnessing families being torn apart, not only by social distancing, and self-isolation, but by the death of those who are loved dearly. Society is not ready for the heartache which will follow this health crisis.  Even when the curve begins to flatten, many families will be left with a void so large, they will struggle with the overwhelming pain for years to come.  Families have been split open at the core, by the loss of spouses, parents, and even children.  Friends and family members all around the world have tested positive, and can't guarantee that they will make it through, long enough to survive.  Our society is fragile, and the pain is real. Grief is a journey that no one wants to walk, and yet, we unwillingly get thrust into its ...