The Hardest Question For A Bereaved Parent, "How Many Children Do You Have?"
"How Many Children Do You Have?"
This was the worst question I faced when I was a newly bereaved parent.
A simple question from a fellow stranger, who was just trying to
make "small-talk" and they come out with a loaded question that hits us like a brick.
During my early days of child loss, I dreaded this question, every time I met someone new. It could have been a casual meeting of shooting the breeze with a stranger in a line of people, or walking into a new insurance office just to get a quote... It was always the same type of dribble that scared me the most. My mind was plagued with worry, as I sat there hoping they wouldn't ask me, in fear that I would burst out crying in the middle of our first encounter.
In the beginning, I struggled with this question, as I wasn't sure how to answer or the alternative of getting into a whole explanation of why I say 3 instead of 4... is that right, or do I acknowledge the 4th and give a little ditty about the here and there calculation... my mind was over-powered at how to answer such a perplexing question.
The pause always seems the most awkward, as the unsuspecting stranger becomes curious why the conversation stalled, and they look back with a glance of uncertainty of what they said wrong. I gulp, fighting back tears and almost whisper, I have a daughter, two step-daughters, and a son that has passed... The tension in the room almost suffocates me now, as I've blurted out my misfortune of being a bereaved parent. The other party looks at me in shock, as if to wonder how I have even survived such heartache, and he stumbles over some words of sympathy, while trying to move on to the business at hand, after the energy in the room has been sucked to a level of cringing proportion.
I am 5 years into my child loss journey, and I no longer have fear of this question. Sometimes, I don't even mention that my son has passed, I just state, "I have four children" and leave it at that. Many times, people don't necessarily care what the actual answer is, as they are just filling a void of conversation to keep it flowing.
Now, the only time I do have a problem with this question is, if my son is not counted.
I remember an episode not long ago when my partner (who has been in my son's life since he was 3) said, we had 3 girls when he was speaking to a stranger. Internally, my mind almost lost it, as I wanted to reach over and slug him for not acknowledging my son in the mix. I know he doesn't feel that way, but he obviously stumbled over the question himself, and that is what came out of his mouth. I didn't make a scene in front of that stranger... but I sure did give my opinion when we were alone again.
Everyone has their own way of coping with this question, but in my opinion, if you were a parent to x number of children at any time, then that's what you say. It doesn't matter if they are here, there, estranged, passed on, miscarriage, stillborn, etc., you will always be a Mom or Dad to ALL of them.
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as well as, the Author of several personal development books.
Kim is an Instructor on Udemy where she teaches a
variety of topics to students all around the globe,
including the "Dealing With Loss" online course.
She is the Founder of The Solution Wizard Company that is
dedicated to assisting individuals in overcoming
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