Resorting to Child-Like Behavior During Grief

Whatever you need to do that helps you to survive the pain 

of loss is appropriate no matter what others think of you.

The first month of grief is absolute hell.  Your mind is confused... you are left in a fog... and the bellowing emotions are overrun at the seams.  You want to escape the pain, and ease the exhausting episodes of uncontrollable crying sessions.  If you need to slink back into something that comforted you as a child and it is working, then do not worry about how the external world perceives your behavior.

I am a survivor of child loss, and when I lost my son in 2015, I was clinging to every imaginable thread that helped me through the difficulty of those first few months.  

A few weeks after suffering through my son's funeral, my partner and I had been isolated within our home, and we decided to venture to Walmart.  We hadn't been shopping for groceries in weeks, and this was a trip I wasn't looking forward to, as it felt like I had a huge sign over my head that read, "Bereaved Parent" and I was a virus that needed to be avoided at all cost.  Of course, no one really knew our circumstances but I felt I was radiating some type of warning system that others should not come too close to me, in fear that I would need a shoulder to cry on without notice.

We made our way through the aisles and the cashier checked us out, and just before leaving the store, my partner decided he wanted to go into, "Build-a-Bear."  At first, I wasn't too keen on spending even more time at the store, as I thought my get-a-way was only seconds away.  We started to walk around the store and we looked at the bears and outfits.  It was at this point, that I realized my partner wanted to buy a bear that would honor my son, as his nickname was, "Logi Bear."

The clerk came over and she was bubbly and courteous, thinking we were in there to buy a bear for someone's birthday or a gift.  After a few minutes of her making suggestions and asking what type of outfit we wanted, my partner blurted out the reason behind our visit. The demeanor in the store immediately went solemn, as the cashier offered her condolences and then went back into the storage room. We quickly picked out an outfit that resembled my son's taste, and while we waited for the bear to be made, I felt awkward and just couldn't wait to leave.  

When the bear was done, this lovely girl came over to me, and handed me the toy to honor my son, and said there would be no charge.  The emotions that I had been burrowing inside during this store visit, immediately exploded and I hugged this stranger and cried on her shoulder.  I'm sure the check-out patrons at Walmart were curious as to what was going on across the aisle, and after my emotional gratitude for her kindness, I tucked the bear under my arm and we made our way out to the truck.

For many nights thereafter, I snuggled that teddy bear, as it was like a piece of my son was helping to comfort me. I felt like a child, who was clinging to a toy when they were afraid of the dark or of the monster in the closet.  Instead, the monster was my grief, and the anguish seemed to subside when I could grab the bear and pull it close into my chest.  

In a strange way, it brought me so much comfort, but I must say, I was truly embarrassed to be sleeping with a toy, when my partner was inches away from my side.  

I remember spending the night at my parent's house a few weeks later, and I had packed this bear into my overnight bag.  My Mom assured me that I should do whatever I needed to do, and so there I was, I woman in her forties, grasping at this tiny replica of my son's memory, so I could survive yet another night.

Please do whatever you need to do to survive the pain of grief.  It may seem strange to others, awkward to your family, but comforting to you.  

I will admit, that the day came when I placed that bear on a stand away from arm's reach, so I could break my habit, but to this day, when I see this bear sitting in my son's room, it reminds me how very strong I have become.

Grief is a difficult journey and keeping up with resources to help you through this emotional time is imperative.  Subscribe to Butterfly Kisses From Beyond so you don't miss future articles on surviving grief.

Additional resources to help you with loss 

can be found at http://www.butterflykissesfrombeyond.com

Read a free sample of my journey of grief
Here