A Moment Of Joy... Within The Journey Of Grief

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To some, it may not seem possible that one could live through 
the loss of a child, and still experience joy... 



I have been walking the struggle of grief since 2015, and in some moments I allow my thoughts to wallow in solitude of all that I have lost.  I let my stomach churn at the detriment of the future I must live, without the physical presence of my son... I wilt in desolation at the fading memories of times when my children were young, when the thought of death eluded me.  I had no clue what was in store, as I would have counted my minutes ever so slowly, had I known they would be short-lived with my son.  Eighteen years is a drop in the bucket of life, and every instance I spent with my son seems so obscure now, as the time forces its ugly prey against my mind.  He will forever be alive and content in my heart, even when age washes the details of our encounters ever so slightly as time erodes the miraculous moments we spent together.

Not everything I have endured since his passing has been a burden, as I have been able to focus on the joy that surrounds me.  Sometimes, it is difficult to reposition the mind to a better-feeling place, but I urge myself on wards, as I know life is a ticking time bomb.  Our time here is not guaranteed, and I intend on fulfilling aspects of this human life span in ways that could never be accomplished if I settled into the fragments of my mind in sorrow.

Recently, a moment captured my whole being, and I realized how incredible the life that surrounds me truly is.  I was armed with a relaxing seat on my daughter's couch, as she went to retrieve my sleepy grandson.  He had just woken from a nap, and had not known that I had arrived.  As they entered the living room, he smiled in recognition and then laid his sleepy head against his Mama's shoulder.  I waited patiently at the opposite end of the sofa, so he could shake off the dreamland that just enticed him in his crib.  

Moments later, my ten month old grandson crawled across the couch and wrapped his little arm around my neck, as he laid his head on my shoulder.  The seconds kept counting, as he didn't move and my heart imploded into so much love inside of me, that I rubbed his back and told him, "Ah, I miss you too!"

Then he moved a little closer, as he crawled up on my lap and gave me yet another hug... this time, putting his head on my opposite shoulder and he nuzzled into my neck.  In this very minute, the entire external world ceased to exist, as he mended my heart with his love.  

I was completely encased in such unconditional love from this little boy, that I now know life is a fantastic journey.  I feel absolutely sure that something beyond this world is in charge.  A force more powerful than we can ever imagine... a reckoning that love will survive the boundaries of death, because I realize love can solve every problem the world will ever face.

If we turn towards love in every instance, we will fix the problems at hand... and to the ones we think we've lost by death... we must now know that true love can never die.  I know this because in this moment with my grandson, I felt it with all my heart.



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