Butterfly Kisses From Beyond

 The road is rocky when it comes to losing a child. The path takes you to highs and lows, and you experience the wonderment  and detriment of life in the same breath. Over the last five years, I have learned lessons that I never would have experienced had I not been thrust into the label of a bereaved parent. I can honestly say that I likely would not have pondered the meaning of life and death so internally, if I had lived a life of certainty and basked within the traditional milestones. This is definitely not a journey I would ever want to repeat, but I am trying to understand what life is showing me... teaching me even. When you have something ripped out of your life in such an inhumane way, it startles your entire existence, and you are left standing there holding the bandage, as your wound bleeds all over the ground below you. You aren't sure what you are possibly going to do to survive the pain that is rushing towards you like a speeding freight train.  You simply s...

 When our loved ones are no longer here for special occasions, it can be a very  emotional time for those left behind. Finding a little solitude among the devastation in your heart, can gravitate you towards healing actions. Yesterday, I survived the 5th birthday without my son.  He should have turned 23 on September 21st, but instead, it was a reminder that he had been gone for five years.    As that day has come and went, I have taken the time to reflect on how I survived yet another milestone.  To be honest, I actually find the days and weeks leading up to a special occasion are more emotional for me, than the actual day.  It's like my brain begins to anticipate the upcoming date in anguish, or taunting thoughts about all that I don't have in my life.  Sometimes, it is difficult to push those negative ideas aside long enough to not be affected by their dire consequences of having a bit of a cry session. When the emotions get the best of me, I d...

Grief can bring us into an abyss of suffering... or it can take us towards lessons  we never thought we'd ever understand. Dealing with loss is different for every individual who experiences its grasp on your reality. I feel compelled to write this explanation of grief, as not everyone will view death in the same way, nor understand others' reasons for doing what they need to do, to work through their own healing. I have come to learn that everyone's experience of life is drastically different, and no two lives will bare the same circumstances, or ways to handle the outcomes. We are all on a path of learning, whether we acknowledge that fact or not.  Some people may make their way through life without ever pondering or reflecting on past situations that could have been altered by the way they responded, or simply by looking at the bigger picture of their own circumstances.  This fact is certainly a frustration for an outside observer, who may be thinking they have the pro...

 For those who are suffering from the loss of a loved one, it appears on the surface that they are no longer with us. The physical connection is an overpowering obstacle to bear when someone we love transitions from this world into the next realm. It takes a willingness to learn about death from different perspectives, and a journey not many people want to take.  When faced with the loss of someone we love, we have never chosen a destiny filled with pain and sadness; however, our lives are submersed within this context by force. Our love lingers in our hearts, without a path to follow in the beginning of grief.  Only through understanding and research, can we discover what intricate details lie within the fabric of our existence.  We assure ourselves that we are not going crazy at exploring this side of our world, as our thoughts can be riddled with curiosity and wonder. Through reading and studying, it is possible to give notion to something more beyond this world....

 It is an interesting question to ponder... our reason for being here. Do you have any inclination as to why you are undergoing the challenges of life? It appears on the surface that we are immersed in this thing called life, so we can explore our paths and opportunities, but perhaps there is more to the story? If we were living this life for no apparent reason, it would seem a little mundane and bothersome to experience turmoil, suffering, and emotional upheaval.  If that isn't the case, then why are we here? In my opinion, we are trying to learn something.  A variety of studies have been placed before us, and no two individuals will receive the same curriculum.  If I have already experienced one particular lesson, then there would be no need to repeat it (unless of course, I failed in my attempt at successfully learning the point of the situation). We must remember that others may undergo lessons similar to ours, but in no way is our test paper equivalent to the an...

 After the death of a child, the world views you in a different light. The sorrow that surrounds the looks from other parents don't go unnoticed.  After joining the bereaved parents' club against my will, I noticed that people began to look at me differently.  It was like you could feel their sympathy at every encounter for the pain they knew I was enduring. I believe Emily Graham explained this best when she wrote the following: All eyes on me… wondering how I could possibly go on when they knew there was no way they could.  Time slowly passes. I’m known as the mom whose kid died.  There’s an awkwardness in our interactions – like you’re afraid it’s something you can catch.  I assure you it’s not. You’re not sure what to say. It seems the most comfortable thing to do is pretend nothing happened.  Yet, that doesn’t really work either.  I still feel all eyes on me.  When will she go back to normal? They say you should never let your loss defin...

To some, it may not seem possible that one could live through  the loss of a child, and still experience joy...  I have been walking the struggle of grief since 2015, and in some moments I allow my thoughts to wallow in solitude of all that I have lost.  I let my stomach churn at the detriment of the future I must live, without the physical presence of my son... I wilt in desolation at the fading memories of times when my children were young, when the thought of death eluded me.  I had no clue what was in store, as I would have counted my minutes ever so slowly, had I known they would be short-lived with my son.  Eighteen years is a drop in the bucket of life, and every instance I spent with my son seems so obscure now, as the time forces its ugly prey against my mind.  He will forever be alive and content in my heart, even when age washes the details of our encounters ever so slightly as time erodes the miraculous moments we spent together. ...