Butterfly Kisses From Beyond

 Many people have heard the phrase, "time heals all wounds"... In the case of grief, this is not necessarily correct.  Grief does transform as time passes; however, it never really truly ceases to exist. When you are first faced with the loss of a loved one, the pain is raw and emotional.  The feelings of helplessness and emptiness fill your entire being with dread.  Sometimes the emotions are so overwhelming, it's hard to imagine that the pain in your heart will ever stop aching. In my own journey of loss, I have watched my grief transform in many ways.  As I write this, I can't even fathom that I have existed on this planet without my son in physical presence for almost seven years.  In the early days of his passing, my heart was shattered and at that time, beyond repair.  It brought me into a tail-spin of crushing trauma to realize that I had to go on living, when I thought he could not. Over the course of my heart-wrenching journey, I've realized t...

During a recent visit to see family, we headed out of town and just as we turned onto the highway, a bright red cardinal jetted across the road right in front of us.  This was not the first time that I had seen a cardinal do this, and so I made a comment wondering if this was something cardinals normally do, or if they just really wanted to be noticed?  I mentioned that perhaps my son was accompanying us to see his loved ones, and that is why this bird gained our attention? A couple hours into our drive, we arrived at my parent's home, and immediately upon walking to their door, a song emanated from the tree branches.  I was familiar with the melody and my eyes scanned the tree limbs trying to catch a glimpse of our friend.  He kept singing, and just then, I noticed him in brilliant red sitting upon a limb.  I smiled and said to my partner, "Okay, Logan must be with us, as there's another cardinal!" Later that afternoon, after stopping at my daughter's home, her...

  Tonight I tried to connect with Logan, as I’ve been feeling a little down lately during this isolated lock down away from all my family. I sat down at the desk in my office and I looked into my son’s eyes via the photo that sits beside my computer.   As usual, when I call him, he comes, as his thoughts penetrate mine. I told my son how much I missed him and in response, he said, “Mom, close your eyes.” Almost immediately, I began to see textures and faint colours within the darkness of my mind’s eye, and I scanned the scene to try to make out what I was seeing.   Shapes began to form, and I could see that I was travelling down a long pathway that was cutting through the tree line.   It swept and swerved, back and forth for a long time, and at one point, I almost lost my concentration which would have broken the connection.   I heard my son’s voice say, “Just keep going, Mom” within my mind’s thoughts, so I regained my focus and the path continued. I ...

I had the most lingering, fantastic dream last night that woke me up begging for more. Just before falling asleep, I felt Logan's presence as I have a lot this week.  It's like he has been needing his Mom lately and was trying to get my attention. I acknowledged his presence and told him I would try to reach out more often, as I have been pretty pre-occupied recently. Just before closing my eyes, I told him to visit me in my dreams. At some point in the night, I dreamed I was at the theater watching a movie with my parents and my daughter. When the movie was over and we were walking towards the exit, I said, " Where's Logan ?" I scanned the crowded theater and just then I saw him standing with a lady on the other side of the centre seats, as if she had been waiting with him until we had found him.  He was wearing a yellow t-shirt and he looked young - maybe in grade 5? When he spotted us, a big grin washed over his face and he ran over to us and directly into my a...

 Our hearts are split into two, as we maneuver through one world, begging for the next. Our lives are intertwined through the fabric of time and space... and the universe beckons us forward. When you are thrust into a sea of grief, you aren't sure how to gain the footing you require to stand upon this Earth.  Your heart sees everything around you that has woven itself into your current life here... but there still remains a gnawing wonder of what it is like on the other side of death. Your loved one has transitioned into the "unknown" and you long for their presence, even when you are standing in the midst of your family and friends.  You are surrounded by those you care about, and your thoughts float off into the dark crevasses of the mind to explore where you also want to be. Over the years, I have discovered that this twinge of pain will forever be present in my life here.  I have one child on the other side, while the other is basking in all that life has to offe...

 The road is rocky when it comes to losing a child. The path takes you to highs and lows, and you experience the wonderment  and detriment of life in the same breath. Over the last five years, I have learned lessons that I never would have experienced had I not been thrust into the label of a bereaved parent. I can honestly say that I likely would not have pondered the meaning of life and death so internally, if I had lived a life of certainty and basked within the traditional milestones. This is definitely not a journey I would ever want to repeat, but I am trying to understand what life is showing me... teaching me even. When you have something ripped out of your life in such an inhumane way, it startles your entire existence, and you are left standing there holding the bandage, as your wound bleeds all over the ground below you. You aren't sure what you are possibly going to do to survive the pain that is rushing towards you like a speeding freight train.  You simply s...